There has been a lot of talk lately in the news about bullying – its devastating effects; how to stop it; how to prevent it from happening at all. Unless you are living under a rock, you know that bullying is a crisis in our country that needs to be stopped – a completely preventable cause of death in healthy adolescents. The recent spate of bullying related suicides surely can make any parent shake in his or her shoes. Every time I read about a child who has killed himself or herself thanks to merciless taunting and physical aggression, I find myself extremely grateful that my older boys – 10 and 12 years old, are neither bullied nor bullies. I really didn’t think that I had to worry about my six year old son, at least not yet.
Boy, was I wrong. My son, A, a first grader came home from school in tears a few days ago – a boy that has teased him before had pushed him down during gym and put his hands around his neck (but didn’t choke him, as my son sweetly pointed out – well, that makes it much better), then he spit on him. A. drew several pictures of the incident and was distraught enough that he was still talking about it at bedtime. The next morning I wrote a note to his teacher, explaining what happened – not accusatory, just to give her a “heads up,” since I knew A. didn’t tell her.
I’m happy to say that I got a call from the gym teacher that afternoon, saying that the situation was taken care of and the offender had suffered consequences – a removal of privileges. I felt guilty – as nasty as his actions were, he is, after all, only six years old. Plus, she explained that while he admitted to doing it, it may have been out of excitement during a game. My guilt, however, dissipated when I received a second phone call at the end of the day. “There was an incident at recess,” the gym teacher reported. The same boy had approached A, who was drawing quietly in the corner, snatched the drawing out of A’s hand, then tore it in half. “A was devastated,” reported his teacher. “He was really bawling. But, I had the boy write a note to him apologizing.”
Knowing A. had to endure having his picture ripped apart in front of him (a picture that he no doubt worked very hard on) was like a knife in my heart. “He just wants to draw during recess,” I said quietly. “He draws all seven continents, the equator and the prime meridian.” A. loves geography and he prefers drawing maps of the world to playing superheroes or tag with the other boys. I know this is unusual – A. is, quite frankly, brilliant (this is objective – he scored above the 99.99th percentile for cognitive skills when he was evaluated in kindergarten). He is also unique (his favorite thing to watch on tv is the weather and he knows exactly where Kazakhstan – and pretty much everywhere else on the globe – is) and this combination, more than ever, makes me terrified that he will be a target as he gets older. I just didn’t think that it would happen so soon. But let’s face it, kids hone in on anyone who is different.
A’s gym teacher warned me that he would probably still be distraught when he arrived home. To my surprise, he was happy when he walked in the door. I asked him what happened and if he was still upset. He told me to look in his folder. In it I found the apology note his teacher mentioned. I took it out and A. asked me to read it to him. (It was written in a typical first grader’s scrawling hand, with phonetically spelled words, so it was difficult for him to read.) A smile spread over his face as I read the note and he pointed out where the boy signed it with a heart. He carried that note around most of the day and asked me to reread it often. I’m proud that A. was able to forgive easily, that he was able to drink in that note and let it fill him with peace.
I truly hope that the note is sincere and A. won’t be tormented again during recess and gym. I truly hope that he won’t become one of the bullied. I’m optimistic, after all six year olds are malleable. They can be taught compassion much more easily than teenagers can – when habits of nastiness are entrenched and not easily melted away. I’m sure this boy is sweet most of the time and I’m sure that his mom was not happy when she got the call either. Both of us are in a stressful spot – two sides of the same coin. I don’t know her – if I did I would call and tell her that they’ll probably be friends someday. I hope that this is the case and I wish that bullying in the middle schools and high schools could fixed with as simple a salve as a note. Who knows, maybe if Phoebe Prince (the teen from Ireland living in Massachusetts, a victim of brutal bullying, committed suicide just over a year ago) had received a note from her tormentors offering a sincere apology, she would have thought twice before taking her own life. I know it’s not likely, but one never knows what just a bit of compassion can do. Too many young people have followed in her footsteps. It is the school’s responsibility to make the bullies reach out to their victims, to make them look them in the eye and say, “I’m sorry” and truly mean it. Punishment alone is not enough – forging a path to forgiveness, as well is the only solution – even if it’s forced at first.
I’m grateful that my son’s school has a zero tolerance policy and took action as soon as the transgression was reported. I’m also thankful that my son felt comfortable enough to tell his gym teacher the second time he was victimized. But, more than anything I’m happy that he seems to have emerged unscathed (so far), thanks to that simple note. High schools and middle schools where bullying is rampant could learn a thing or two from these first graders.
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